Worship While It’s Warm

We should never be ashamed of our testimonies. For they reveal the overarching supremacy of God in how He can make any path straight through the sacrifice of His Son, that provides the way to go from brokenness to wholeness. Our testimonies should also reveal a recognition of the insufficiency of our determination or self-will to bring correction to our lives because we have one day decided to turn the spiritual light bulb on.

Somehow we, or rather our flesh, wants to take at least some credit for whatever spiritual alignment is achieved but I see in scripture a much different scenario. I consider as examples, God’s sovereign choice of His election of Israel, His mercy towards gentiles pre-Christ (Rahab and Ruth), His rejection of individuals from His chosen race (Esau and Moses failure to enter the promise land) and His grace towards sin and disobedience (David and Jonah) .  Under the covenant of grace, I consider the overwhelming share of passages that speak to His choosing and his calling.  In Acts 16:14, Lydia’s conversion to the Lord again demonstrates that it is God who turns the hearts towards Himself for it says that “the Lord opened her heart to respond…”

So continuing my testimony journey that I began chronically a few months ago but got disrupted for a variety of reasons, my story is representative of the work of the Holy Spirit that I believe is simply carrying out the sovereign dictates of a loving God who calls whom He will. At the end of my last post, I indicated how I had gone so far seeking my own way that my decision making processes were completely dependent upon my judgment and rationale. Whatever life I had declared I would live for Christ, I had long since abandoned. So when I moved to Boston in 1994, it was no big deal that I lived with Karl. My moral compass was skewed and my judgment was clouded by sin, because that is what sin does.

Karl and I married in 1997 and I was 4 months pregnant. He was reluctant but I did not care because I was determined to not bring a child into this world out of wedlock. In hindsight, Karl was not a marriage friendly partner for he had qualities and characteristics that were much better suited for single life. He did try at times, though, but was so under-representative of the elements of a quality love relationship, one that should be marked by unselfishness, mutual respect and mutual consideration.  My life just wasn’t going the way I thought it should and by the end of 1998 I found myself in a state of dispair and utter loneliness. So deep was my despondency that last week of 1998, as I sat in front of the TV for hours on end and wondered why my husband just laid in bed all day and completely ignored me, that I considered ending my life.  I just knew there had to be so much more.

Ironically, I had began developing a friendship with the wife of Karl’s oldest brother, both of whom were faithful and joyous believers in Christ.  Not knowing my story or the fact that I had once made a confession of faith, Mary would sometimes drop a little nugget or 2 about faith in Christ.  I would remain silent.  My mother-in-law, also a strong believer would join in the chorus of praise and encouragement.  Unbeknownst to either one of them but very known by the Holy Spirit, their commitment and dependence on Christ and the peace that ensured, eventually would make a considerable impression on me.  Everything was about to change.

After laying in bed for days on end, Karl collapsed late at night, that first Sunday of January 1999.  After 24 hours in ER at the local hospital, he was transported to one of the major Boston hospitals and spent 2 weeks in intensive care.  It was determined that his kidneys had completely stopped working and he would have to go on dialysis.  He would later receive a diagnosis of lupus.  During this time, I was confronted with the examples of my in-laws, which made me vividly recall the confession of faith that I had once made and the peace that I once knew.  By the 3rd day in intensive care, the Holy Spirit had so seized my heart and in the stillness of my house late one night, I dropped to my knees and told the Lord that the prodigal was ready to come home.

I immediately picked up the bible and began reading again.  One passage of scripture that made an indelible impression on me is found in John 6:66-69.  After many deserted Jesus, He asked Simon Peter did he want to stop following Him also.  Simon Peter responded with words that still echo in my heart today “Lord, to whom shall we go? you have words of eternal life.  We have believed and have come to know that you are the holy one of God.”  It continually lets me know that everything I ever needed, is found in Christ.

It has not been a smooth process since that time for many difficult days were waiting for me.  Karl’s harshness towards me only intensified with his illness over the next 5 years.  I worked full-time with 3 of those years engaged in a 50 mile commute from East Providence to Boston.  I endured repeated hospital visits, was a pharmacy gopher and set up the dialysis machine every night.  Later, I would transport Karl to the clinic 3 times a week.  And, I had to almost single handedly, take care of a very hyper and rambunctious child.   Yet during that time, my greatest joy was found in worshipping and serving the sovereign, gracious and loving God who called me according to His purpose, who provided redemption from the bondage of sin through the sacrifice of His Son, who declared that He would never leave me nor forsake me, who has provided a seal through the Holy Spirit’s baptism and who promises to perfect that which He started.

For most of Karl’s sickness, I sent up earnest prayers for healing, deliverance and a healthy marriage.  One day I stopped, changed my tune and surrendered to God having His way in the situation.  A few months later, Karl passed away.  That was August 2004.  Since that time, I experienced some rough patches in the sanctification process but have fixed my gaze upon Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith.   But more significantly, I believe it was because He has fixed His gaze upon me and continues to draw me in to His plan and purpose. And as I am embarking on my first semester at DTS, who knows what He has in store?

As my time in Rhode Island draws to a close, I have been very reflective of the events and changes that have transpired over the past 7 years here and overall, the past 14 years in New England.  While there have been pockets of highlights, in general they have been unpleasant years.  I have experienced pain, loss, shifted directions, unmet expectations and disruptions.  In many ways, it has been a wilderness experience for me.

But I am mindful of the fact that God will intentionally allow us to experience dry, dark, painful, turbulent, disappointing and unsettled times.  His goal is to conform us to the image of Christ so we can reflect His love and His glory while on this earth.   When things are going well, it is much easier to manufacture a christian-esque presentation of our life.  It is easier, I think, to slip on sound choices because positive circumstances can give the allusion of benefits reaped for less than adequate decisions.  But because God is more concerned with fruit than with fiction, He renders discipline and this can only be found in troubling times because there is where the stuff that’s really in our hearts comes out and can no longer masquerade as irrelevant issues.   I think Hebrews 12:4-11 says it best in this Message version:

In this all-out match against sin, others have suffered far worse than you, to say nothing of what Jesus went through—all that bloodshed! So don’t feel sorry for yourselves. Or have you forgotten how good parents treat children, and that God regards you as his children?

My dear child, don’t shrug off God’s discipline,
but don’t be crushed by it either.
It’s the child he loves that he disciplines;
the child he embraces, he also corrects.
God is educating you; that’s why you must never drop out. He’s treating you as dear children. This trouble you’re in isn’t punishment; it’s training, the normal experience of children. Only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. Would you prefer an irresponsible God? We respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God’s training so we can truly live? While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God’s holy best. At the time, discipline isn’t much fun. It always feels like it’s going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it’s the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God.

Confrontation is at the forefront during these times.  We confront the reality of our agendas and motivations and we confront the supremacy of God’s plan and purpose.  And it is here that choices must be made to either relinquish the grip on self-serving expectations with a heart of holy abandonment or to cling ever tighter to self-interest disguised as spiritual and prayerful hope.  We can either draw a line in the sand of the wilderness or sign our names in surrender with the proclamation that God will have His way regardless of the suggested external evidence of inadequacy and unmet needs.

So such has been the case with me during my New England, and especially Rhode Island, sojourn these  last 7 years.  I have experienced disappointments and have come face to face with internal unhealthy attitudes.  I have had to loosen my grip on a selfish and skewed agenda.  But as the Hebrews passage suggests, it has been all about the training and that is a beautiful thing. For it has exposed me to a greater joy and freedom that can only be found by yielding to it.  I have put my signature in the sand and remember what God has done during this time in me.  It reminds me of Moses exhortation to the children of Israel at the end of their wilderness journey found in Deuteronomy 8 to remember that it was all about God and His agenda.

In my last post, I indicated that I would be walking through my testimony as contemplate the subject of perseverance, about how God will not give up on those who are genuinely His.

Here is an excerpt of my conversion essay from my DTS application:

I was raised a catholic until my mother passed away in 1973, when I was 9 years old. After that I lived with my dad, who was involved with a missionary Baptist church. I sang in the youth choir and participated in youth events, it did not mean much to me. But even at a young age, I was a thinker and I began to ponder the purpose behind the weekly procession. In my junior year in high school I concluded that I did not need church to be a good person, and informed my father that I had no further interest in attending. He said “o.k.”

But that all changed shortly after I started college in fall 1982, when I met 2 christians. They did not talk to me about church…they told me about Jesus, about how I was dead in my sins and he was the only way to be connected to God. They invited me to a campus bible study and I checked it out. Immediately, I was struck by the joy and peace that the people there had, or seemed to anyway. It was clear to me that they had something I did not have. But I wanted it. So I went back the following week. To this day, I could not tell you what was said but I remember vividly how empty I felt. Soon after that second meeting, with the emptiness continually lingering, I dropped to my knees in my dorm room and told Jesus that I wanted him. That’s all I knew at the time. I was a changed person and told everyone I knew that Jesus died for their sins and they should accept him as Lord and Savior.

I said a prayer. Not through an altar call, which I think can create a false sense of security. But a genuine heart felt prayer that acknowledged I was a sinner and I needed Jesus and I wanted Him to come into my life.

I immediately began to read the bible, attend bible study, hang out with other christians and join a church. By all external accounts, it did appear that I was following Jesus.

The problem was that I also had a sinful pull in my heart, which juxtaposed with my new christian experience, created conflict, distraction and eventual departure. So here is what followed in the conversion essay.

I also knew that more than anything else, I wanted to be loved by a man. I wanted for someone to consider me special. While I strove to remain diligent and faithful to my Christian walk, my thirst for a human relationship began to vie with my thirst for my spiritual one. My need to be loved, slowly turned into a quest for marriage or any means of love I could obtain although what I settled for were poor substitutes. James 1:14,15 says “but each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust, and when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death”. By the spring of 1986, my “own lust” won out and I fell out of fellowship with God. Greener pastures were out there and I was determined to find them.

That same year I got married for all the wrong reasons and began to live a lifestyle that was completely opposed to everything I professed as a Christ follower.  It was as though I had never made a profession of faith.  I basically wanted to do my own thing at that point.  My pleasure and desires were paramount and I no longer cared about what the bible said.

My journey continues next time

I recently started reading through the book of Hebrews and parked for awhile on this verse

But Christ was faithful as a Son over His house - whose house we are, if we hold fast our confidence and the boast of our hope firm until the end. (Heb 3:6)

It prompted a number of thoughts. I thought of what it means to hold fast. I thought of the fact there are people who don’t. People who had professed Christ but for whatever reason, didn’t hold on. At some point, something made them let go. Some would question if these folks were even genuine believers in the first place. Ah yes, the good old doctrine of the perseverance of the saints, which says that if you really have genuine faith, then you will really hold on.

So this caused me to reflect on my own grip over the years, which has experienced varying degrees of loosening and tightening, including a 13 year period where I actually let go.  No, I have not always been faithful and I have not always walked with Jesus even after saying that I would.  Yet through periods of numbness, complacency, sinfulness and yes, even flat out rebellion,  I came back.  For there has been a pull and a peace that continues to lure me.

So as I explore this area of perseverance, I’d thought I’d start by laying out my own life.  For it is a life that in spite of me, God still continues to fill and to use.  It also provides a very practical application to scriptures that indeed support the doctrine of the perseverance of the saints.  For I have personally discovered that it is not I who is able to stay on course.  I couldn’t or wouldn’t but for the grace of Him who continues to show Himself strong in my life and demonstrate Philippians 2:13 live and in action,

For it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure 

So bear with me as I get a little personal and walk through my testimony.  For it is one that I hope with encourage that person who thinks that they’ve blown it too much, what’s the point and let’s just throw in the towel.

Stay tuned for Following Jesus - Part I

If you are like me, you have probably asked and continue to ask the question “What is God’s will for my life?” In fact, I am of the opinion that every disciple of Christ should ask this question modeled after the apostle Paul’s encouragement in Philippians 3:12, To lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has laid hold of us. And laying hold of where God would have you to go requires an understanding, a discernment of when is it time to move like Abraham did in Genesis 12:1.

Most certainly, we ask this question through prayer, through Godly counsel and perhaps searching through the myriad of books written on the subject. So my purpose here is not rehash what others have already written but to provide my perspective through a personal anecdote and to ask you, the reader, how do you determine God’s will?

For 5 years, I was intricately involved with a ministry that was relatively new. Now I had come to this ministry, from a much larger well established ministry with a strong conviction that this was where God wanted me to be at that time. But a couple of years ago, I began to be confronted with some difficulties regarding biblical interpretation, doctrinal misalignment and principles rooted in extra-biblical concepts. My pastor was convinced that for where that church was going, I was supposed to be a part of it. In fact, there had been on some occasions, a generic public proclamation from the pulpit that if God had called you there and you leave before fulfilling what God had called you to do, you would be in disobedience and would not fulfill God’s plan. But as my discomfort grew, I was not so sure that staying was in my best interest. So I left.

After much prayer and research, I landed at a fantastic church, which provided much spiritual nourishment, friendly support and biblical teaching grounded in solid bible study methods. Although this church was quite different than my previous experience in that it was non-charismatic, I liken the transition to finding a spring well after traveling through a hot desert. The long and short of it is that this shift resulted in path I am now taking to seminary.

I recently had a very pleasant chat with my former pastor’s wife. And although it was not spoken, I could not help but wonder if she and my former pastor suppose that somehow I have missed the will of God for my life. When I consider my current direction a result of merging life experiences, spiritual gifting, ministry passions and interest towards helping others, I think of grain scattered on the table being scooped together over time and funneled into a single point. And that single point carries with it a strong conviction of God directing my steps towards seminary. Ultimately, I do not believe that I have missed God’s Will.

So I share this personal story not to criticize my former ministry for I applaud those that will march forward under divine directives to reach others with the good news of Jesus Christ. And while the question of discovering God’s Will has been framed in the context of my personal story, the broader application entails discovering your next steps as you ask the question of what is God’s Will for your life. Through my journey, I have discovered some key criteria that I would like to share for your consideration.

1) God’s Will won’t contradict His Word: I have heard this in many a sermon and would wholeheartedly concur, especially related to very obvious contradictions such as marrying an unbeliever or engaging in activity that the bible clearly outlines as wrong.

But another consideration, I believe, involves the faithfulness of our places of fellowship. Now I am not suggesting for an overcritical and carnal evaluation of what you don’t like about your church. There have been far too many church splits and personal disruptions over what amounted to be differences of personal preferences, interests and comfort. No church is perfect because it is filled with and run by imperfect people. Nor am I suggesting that you leave the minute you hear something you don’t like. It could just be the Holy Spirit convicting you of sin in your life.

But I am suggesting by faithfulness, a careful consideration of how our local assemblies align with biblical mandates regarding their purpose and function. And these would include:

• Sound teaching of Christian doctrine
• Evangelism
• Prayer
• Loving fellowship
• Pastoral care for the needs of the flock

And the purpose is so we will grow, mature and become equipped to lead others. Consider Ephesians 4:11-16 and 2 Peter 3:18. So if any of the above components are missing or skewed or if you are encountering friction in ministry to the extent that learning and ultimately growth is stunted, I believe contradict God’s Word.

2) God’s Will will most likely develop and utilize our spiritual gifts. We have been given spiritual gifts for the edification of the body (see Romans 12:4-8; 1 Corinthians 12)

1 Peter 4:10 says, “As each one has received a special gift, employ it in serving one another as good stewards of the manifold grace of God.”

God gives us gifts to use and there should be graduating of scope and frequency as these gifts develop. This doesn’t mean that we should expect promotions and platforms at every turn. God still does tests and train our ability to be faithful and submit to authority. But there should be an increased honing of these gifts that translate into making tangible impacts in the lives of others. So wherever He takes us should involve this increase.

And by the way, being a musician is not a gift - it is a talent. If you are involved in music ministry at some point and that direction shifts, it is no indication of missing His will (ok, that one is very personal)

3) God’s Will will ultimately bear fruit: We were once dead trees but made alive at conversion (Ephesians 2:1). At the point of salvation, spiritual renewal begins the process of producing fruit reflective of that renewal including God’s intention for our lives. Consider Ephesians 2:10:

“For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them”.

Wherever God is leading us should result in the fruit of His “good works”, which is compatible with the utilization of our spiritual gifts and yields a positive increase in how we are impacting lives for Christ.

4) God’s Will may involve personal discomfort: Sometimes following God will take us to hard places. I admit, it was not easy leaving my former ministry. But I am mindful of God’s call to Abraham to leave the place of his birth, and undoubtedly, his comfort. And when we sense we are being led away from somewhere and more specifically, to somewhere, it begs the question of who do we need to please, God, others or ourselves.

5) God’s Will may not be immediately understood: In my case, I admit I was puzzled for awhile. If God had called me to this ministry, why then should I be leaving? What’s worse is that I had stepped down from ministry and it was during the course of that hiatus that I began to wrestle with differences. So the philosophy was that I should be restored to that position before leaving. But I knew that I had to leave. I did not get it at the time, but I also could not ignore the growing unsettlement.

I think it is unwise to limit God or think we have figured out how He does things based on our man-made formulas.

Isaiah 55:8-9: “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are My ways your ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.”

6)_No one can really determine God’s Will for you: People mean well and may even have definite ideas about what you should be doing. But I believe that discovering God’s will is born of a strong conviction brought on by the Spirit that lives within us.

1 Peter 2:5 says, “you also, as living stones, are being built up as a spiritual house for a holy priesthood, to offer up spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ.

Believers are not responsible to pastor, mother, father, friend or foe. Their priesthood before God makes them accountable to God for every step they take. And those steps should be taken with much prayer, much humility and much surrendering. When we do this, I believe most certainly He will lead us to the place we need to go.

Consider what Paul says in Philippians 2:12-13:

“So then, my beloved, just as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure”.

These considerations are based on my personal journey. Now, I ask you how do you determine God’s will for you life?