Worship While It’s Warm

Falling away does not come suddenly or even surprisingly. It is a process that I believe begins with unchecked and undisciplined desires. This usually results in subtle compromises to quell the sinful pulls on our hearts. Those pulls could represent a wide cross-section of self-interest, that may include pride, lust, or self-promotion.

Such was the case with me. In my last post, I had indicated that despite making a profession of faith in 1982 and by all accounts exuding an outward appearance of salvation, by 1986 I had essentially stopped walking with the Lord and did my own thing.

I got married in 1986 not because of some great love that just bowled me over. But because marriage to me represented a sense of approval, that I was wanted, that I was loved. It did not matter to me at that time that this was not the case nor that the man I married was an unbeliever. It only mattered that I got married.

I couldn’t figure out what happened. I went from being a bible believing, praying, church going person to someone else that lived just as like people who do not know Christ. And I was out of control. Not only did I disregard everything that I had once professed and strived to live, but I continued to allow the emotional pulls of male approval to tug at me. No, marriage did not stop this at all.

I was married from 1986 to 1990 during which time I had my daughter, who is now 19. We eventually divorced in 1990 and I will attribute much of the blame on me. I needed approval not marriage but unfortunately I confused the 2 and was not fully committed. But I was still seeking and after the divorce, I continued to open myself up to the allusion of partnerships when what I really ended up with men bound to sin and self. Whatever boundaries I sought to establish as a christian, no longer existed. In fact, even before marriage, I had allowed the boundaries to erode.

I met Karl in 1992, shortly after starting a new job. We quickly hit it off and found out we lived right around the corner from one another. This was L.A. so the odds of that happening were rare. Before I knew it we were “seeing each other” and the first 6 months were great, even though in retrospect, there was a subtly demeaning and dismissive nature about him that I chose to ignore because once again, it only mattered that someone wanted me. And isn’t being in a relationship what it’s all about anyway?

He was originally from Rhode Island and lived in Boston for several years before heading to California where I met him. But he decided to go to law school and ended up back in Boston. After a couple of untenable months after he left, he pursued me and I eventually moved out to Boston in February 1994. We lived together. He was not a christian and I did not care.

If you would have asked me about salvation or what I believed about Jesus during this time, I would have indicated that I still believe all the things that I had once professed.  I would have given you the laundry list of Jesus being the Son of God, of His dying on the cross to save us, that He desires people to believe in Him and follow Him.  Sure I wasn’t exactly doing that but hey, I still believed.  But the question I ask myself in hindsight, is did I really?

In my next post I will talk about my 2nd marriage, how it got worse before it got better and how God brought me back.