Worship While It’s Warm

Falling away does not come suddenly or even surprisingly. It is a process that I believe begins with unchecked and undisciplined desires. This usually results in subtle compromises to quell the sinful pulls on our hearts. Those pulls could represent a wide cross-section of self-interest, that may include pride, lust, or self-promotion.

Such was the case with me. In my last post, I had indicated that despite making a profession of faith in 1982 and by all accounts exuding an outward appearance of salvation, by 1986 I had essentially stopped walking with the Lord and did my own thing.

I got married in 1986 not because of some great love that just bowled me over. But because marriage to me represented a sense of approval, that I was wanted, that I was loved. It did not matter to me at that time that this was not the case nor that the man I married was an unbeliever. It only mattered that I got married.

I couldn’t figure out what happened. I went from being a bible believing, praying, church going person to someone else that lived just as like people who do not know Christ. And I was out of control. Not only did I disregard everything that I had once professed and strived to live, but I continued to allow the emotional pulls of male approval to tug at me. No, marriage did not stop this at all.

I was married from 1986 to 1990 during which time I had my daughter, who is now 19. We eventually divorced in 1990 and I will attribute much of the blame on me. I needed approval not marriage but unfortunately I confused the 2 and was not fully committed. But I was still seeking and after the divorce, I continued to open myself up to the allusion of partnerships when what I really ended up with men bound to sin and self. Whatever boundaries I sought to establish as a christian, no longer existed. In fact, even before marriage, I had allowed the boundaries to erode.

I met Karl in 1992, shortly after starting a new job. We quickly hit it off and found out we lived right around the corner from one another. This was L.A. so the odds of that happening were rare. Before I knew it we were “seeing each other” and the first 6 months were great, even though in retrospect, there was a subtly demeaning and dismissive nature about him that I chose to ignore because once again, it only mattered that someone wanted me. And isn’t being in a relationship what it’s all about anyway?

He was originally from Rhode Island and lived in Boston for several years before heading to California where I met him. But he decided to go to law school and ended up back in Boston. After a couple of untenable months after he left, he pursued me and I eventually moved out to Boston in February 1994. We lived together. He was not a christian and I did not care.

If you would have asked me about salvation or what I believed about Jesus during this time, I would have indicated that I still believe all the things that I had once professed.  I would have given you the laundry list of Jesus being the Son of God, of His dying on the cross to save us, that He desires people to believe in Him and follow Him.  Sure I wasn’t exactly doing that but hey, I still believed.  But the question I ask myself in hindsight, is did I really?

In my next post I will talk about my 2nd marriage, how it got worse before it got better and how God brought me back.

In Paul’s letter to the Philippians, he tells this beloved church of his that he hopes to send Timothy to them shortly apparently so he can report back to Paul and let him know how they are doing. For both he and Timothy genuinely care about what is going on with them and this will encourage Paul greatly since he is in prison at the time of his writing (3:19-20). Paul has already sent Epaphroditus, another of his fellow workers and another who has genuine concern for the Philippian church. Once again, Paul says in 3:28, that sending Epahroditus will relieve Paul upon hearing of there welfare. The same pattern is also indicated in his letter to the Colossians letting them know that Tychicus and Onesimus are on their way.

What is interesting is that Paul is writing these letters from prison. He does not have the luxury or the liberty to check on these folks. But he is so concerned about what is going on with them, that he makes every effort to see that people are sent to check on them and report back how they are doing. If I was in prison I am not so sure I would be that concerned about how others are doing. But Paul does because I think that first that he understands one thing, that I am becoming increasingly mindful of and that is that people matter.

I find that dealing with people is often challenging. People can be selfish, stubborn, disagreeable, delusional and short sighted. Above all, people can be hurtful. I confess that I can be a bit of a hermit and have little problem with reclusiveness, especially if the alternate is deal with people that for whatever reason would cause some degree of friction or discomfort. It’s more comfortable to be in front of my computer with my books (aka my throne) and learn away. But by doing so not only am I missing out on life’s greatest blessings but I am also shortchanging my Christian walk.

People are at the heart of God’s concerns. It was not sufficient just for God to create the heavens and earth, the sun, moon and stars. Man was needed. People were needed and so the earth was populated. After the flood, God indicates in Genesis 8:21 that He will never curse the ground on account of man.

If I live to myself, I am not really living. For God is relational and created us as relational beings. For when we come to Christ, it is not so we can become regenerate and individualistic. No, we then become members of the body of Christ, a piece of the whole. We are commended to think of others better than ourselves, to look after the welfare of others, to do good to others, to pray for others and above all, to love. When another hurts it should have an impact on us. This is why I believe that gossip and partiality are so insidious because it significantly undermines the relational connection we are to have with one another. When we cut others in this manner not only are we bruising the body but we are essentially saying that people don’t matter.

It is not for doctrine or denominations or buildings that Christ died, but it is for people that God loves and calls to himself. We have many disagreements within the body of Christ and yes, we are called to shun doctrine that does not align with essentials of our Christian faith. But in the process, we don’t shun people because above all, people matter.

(I promise I will get back to my testimony)

In my last post, I indicated that I would be walking through my testimony as contemplate the subject of perseverance, about how God will not give up on those who are genuinely His.

Here is an excerpt of my conversion essay from my DTS application:

I was raised a catholic until my mother passed away in 1973, when I was 9 years old. After that I lived with my dad, who was involved with a missionary Baptist church. I sang in the youth choir and participated in youth events, it did not mean much to me. But even at a young age, I was a thinker and I began to ponder the purpose behind the weekly procession. In my junior year in high school I concluded that I did not need church to be a good person, and informed my father that I had no further interest in attending. He said “o.k.”

But that all changed shortly after I started college in fall 1982, when I met 2 christians. They did not talk to me about church…they told me about Jesus, about how I was dead in my sins and he was the only way to be connected to God. They invited me to a campus bible study and I checked it out. Immediately, I was struck by the joy and peace that the people there had, or seemed to anyway. It was clear to me that they had something I did not have. But I wanted it. So I went back the following week. To this day, I could not tell you what was said but I remember vividly how empty I felt. Soon after that second meeting, with the emptiness continually lingering, I dropped to my knees in my dorm room and told Jesus that I wanted him. That’s all I knew at the time. I was a changed person and told everyone I knew that Jesus died for their sins and they should accept him as Lord and Savior.

I said a prayer. Not through an altar call, which I think can create a false sense of security. But a genuine heart felt prayer that acknowledged I was a sinner and I needed Jesus and I wanted Him to come into my life.

I immediately began to read the bible, attend bible study, hang out with other christians and join a church. By all external accounts, it did appear that I was following Jesus.

The problem was that I also had a sinful pull in my heart, which juxtaposed with my new christian experience, created conflict, distraction and eventual departure. So here is what followed in the conversion essay.

I also knew that more than anything else, I wanted to be loved by a man. I wanted for someone to consider me special. While I strove to remain diligent and faithful to my Christian walk, my thirst for a human relationship began to vie with my thirst for my spiritual one. My need to be loved, slowly turned into a quest for marriage or any means of love I could obtain although what I settled for were poor substitutes. James 1:14,15 says “but each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust, and when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death”. By the spring of 1986, my “own lust” won out and I fell out of fellowship with God. Greener pastures were out there and I was determined to find them.

That same year I got married for all the wrong reasons and began to live a lifestyle that was completely opposed to everything I professed as a Christ follower.  It was as though I had never made a profession of faith.  I basically wanted to do my own thing at that point.  My pleasure and desires were paramount and I no longer cared about what the bible said.

My journey continues next time

I recently started reading through the book of Hebrews and parked for awhile on this verse

But Christ was faithful as a Son over His house - whose house we are, if we hold fast our confidence and the boast of our hope firm until the end. (Heb 3:6)

It prompted a number of thoughts. I thought of what it means to hold fast. I thought of the fact there are people who don’t. People who had professed Christ but for whatever reason, didn’t hold on. At some point, something made them let go. Some would question if these folks were even genuine believers in the first place. Ah yes, the good old doctrine of the perseverance of the saints, which says that if you really have genuine faith, then you will really hold on.

So this caused me to reflect on my own grip over the years, which has experienced varying degrees of loosening and tightening, including a 13 year period where I actually let go.  No, I have not always been faithful and I have not always walked with Jesus even after saying that I would.  Yet through periods of numbness, complacency, sinfulness and yes, even flat out rebellion,  I came back.  For there has been a pull and a peace that continues to lure me.

So as I explore this area of perseverance, I’d thought I’d start by laying out my own life.  For it is a life that in spite of me, God still continues to fill and to use.  It also provides a very practical application to scriptures that indeed support the doctrine of the perseverance of the saints.  For I have personally discovered that it is not I who is able to stay on course.  I couldn’t or wouldn’t but for the grace of Him who continues to show Himself strong in my life and demonstrate Philippians 2:13 live and in action,

For it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure 

So bear with me as I get a little personal and walk through my testimony.  For it is one that I hope with encourage that person who thinks that they’ve blown it too much, what’s the point and let’s just throw in the towel.

Stay tuned for Following Jesus - Part I